Why surprises are as good as white lines on a snow covered mountain track; you'll get a little thrill initially but it's all down hill from there

1. It’s not funny. Like when someone sneaks up behind you and yells in your ear, “Surprise, did you get a fright?” Your response? “If you call a ringing in my ears, a crook neck and an aching funny bone a fright, then yes.”

2. It never works out. Like the time my lovely boyfriend decided to come meet me at the train with our dog. It was a nice idea; pity I was off the train and home before he even realised I’d arrived.

3. It’s not rocket science to predict. You knew that speeding fine would eventually turn up in the post; you were, afterall, doing 120 in a 60 zone.

4. You get more than you bargain for. For example, walking in on your friends playing dress downs under the sheets when they are staying over.

5. The surprise is never where it should be. Like the friend about to turn 30 – she watches your every move for weeks leading up to the big day, notices nothing but still refuses to go along to “coffee” on the day of her birthday. Or the person who jumps out from behind a wall – you stealth up to every corner expecting something to happen; when you finally give in and think it’s not going to happen, that person appears, masked, at the next opportunity.

6. No one ever thinks you’re clever. Instead of organising a surprise birthday bash, volunteer as events coordinator for a charity in need.

7. There’s no prize at the end. Unless you count a damaged car, that is.

7 new hobbies to try

1. Fishing. Where else can you get sloshed without the social stigma that goes along with it?

2. People watching. It’s free, it’s fun, it can be done anywhere, at any time.

3. Skateboarding. This one gets a bit expensive. You need the hat, big coloured sunnies, long shorts, studded belt, well-worn t-shirt, as well as a nice ride before you even get started.

4. Singing. A spot on Neighbours will come in handy. Being dowdy should also help things along.

5. Yoga. A hot instructor in skimpy clothing will add nicely to the mix.

6. Bushwalking. Only for the lonesome. You can’t play the self rescuing hero if you take someone along.

7. Scrapbooking. Okay, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel now.

7 ways to save a life

1. Sign a petition to stop teenagers from driving cars.

2. Hang out at the beach. But choose a spot where the sharks also hang out.

3. Hang out at a would-be suicide bridge. Just choose wisely. Make sure it isn’t one in China where an angry passer-by is likely to sneak behind you and push to death the would-be jumper you’ve just coaxed to safety.

4. Walk on stilts. Less ants you’re likely to walk on that way.

5. Sponsor a child. You will be saving someone’s life; just not sure that it will be a child’s.

6. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Because the people you will be serving couldn’t possibly support themselves in any other way.

7. Visit the RSPCA.

7 reasons an umbrella is your new best friend

1. Self-defence. Poke, prod, push, stab, jab to your heart’s content. Just don’t do it to cute little defenceless animals. Armed ones? That’s another matter.

2. It’s a conversation starter. When the wind blows it inside out, that is. And then when the person beside you gives you that pitying smile. Take them on. Find out if they’re a keeper.

3. Schoolboy cricket in the park. Did you know, some handles can even be removed as makeshift balls (well, ball-like objects).

4. Get a bullet-proof umbrella. Pack it on your trip to Melbourne.

5. You can sway in the wind. Mary Poppins style. Maybe, if you’re either really really small, or you have a really really super big umbrella.

6. When tipped upside down, umbrellas become boats. Have races in the local creek, or rescue your belongings from flood waters.

7. Duh, it keeps the rain away – from most of your body anyway. They’re even known to keep the sun off if you so desire, or you’re over 50.