Why surprises are as good as white lines on a snow covered mountain track; you'll get a little thrill initially but it's all down hill from there

1. It’s not funny. Like when someone sneaks up behind you and yells in your ear, “Surprise, did you get a fright?” Your response? “If you call a ringing in my ears, a crook neck and an aching funny bone a fright, then yes.”

2. It never works out. Like the time my lovely boyfriend decided to come meet me at the train with our dog. It was a nice idea; pity I was off the train and home before he even realised I’d arrived.

3. It’s not rocket science to predict. You knew that speeding fine would eventually turn up in the post; you were, afterall, doing 120 in a 60 zone.

4. You get more than you bargain for. For example, walking in on your friends playing dress downs under the sheets when they are staying over.

5. The surprise is never where it should be. Like the friend about to turn 30 – she watches your every move for weeks leading up to the big day, notices nothing but still refuses to go along to “coffee” on the day of her birthday. Or the person who jumps out from behind a wall – you stealth up to every corner expecting something to happen; when you finally give in and think it’s not going to happen, that person appears, masked, at the next opportunity.

6. No one ever thinks you’re clever. Instead of organising a surprise birthday bash, volunteer as events coordinator for a charity in need.

7. There’s no prize at the end. Unless you count a damaged car, that is.