1. Craft a ransom note. Kidnap your partner, tie them to the bed and then send them a ransom note. Use a ransom note to demand a pay rise from your boss. Tape one to your front door to keep your neighbour guessing on your psychopathic tendencies.
2. Shred it. Use it for packing, doggie bedding, kitty litter trays, bird cages, Easter baskets. Go all pitiful on your fruit and vegetables – line your fruit bowl with the shredding.
3. Play dress-ups. Only limit it to your imagination. You are a bride, a princess, Batman, Superman, Eurotrash, American trash, Big Bird, Bert or Ernie, a pyramid, a tree. Never forget to be a robot – please your partner by doing the dishes, or frighten all the people in your street. Have yourself a laugh and organise to meet with your dressed-up friends – all of whom have travelled to your destination by train.
4. It’s your new public transport best friend. It’s a barrier between your ass and the seat; it’s a fan between your nose and the next passenger’s underarm; it’s the lining on the public toilet seat; it’s an umbrella on the dash to your front door.
5. Paper craft. Make a hat, a kite, a paper plane, office decorations. Amaze your work colleagues with your creativity. Subsequently ask for a rise. Amaze your friends with your environmentally friendly birthday gift wrapping ability. Tell them you do not expect the same in return.
6. Ditch those expensive cleaners. Newspaper makes great glass or mirror cleaner, it draws smells from old boots or musty containers, it works as mulch for the garden, it is an effective fly swat
7. Put it in the bin – go on, kill the turtles why don’t you.
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